Liner Notes

Written and performed by Ryan Ferrari

Electric guitar on My Newest Illusion and bass on When Does It End performed by Val Brown

Recorded and Mixed by Val Brown

Lyrics

When Does It End?

VERSE 1
For a nihilistic atheist I sure do seem to care a lot about living
And I’ve only had one life and one try, 
but plenty of chances to wish I’d die
I don’t get the point of trying just to suffer more 
I work, I eat, I breathe, I sleep, but how is that enough?
Survival’s a revolving door and I feel stuck
Pushing the wrong way against crowds & letting the glass doors knock me down
Over and over and over and over again

CHORUS
Til I can feel no pain or at least that’s what I’ll tell myself
Or I can try again, 
I’m tired of waiting for life to make sense, for life to not hurt
For once let me use all these lessons I’ve learned. When does it end?

VERSE 2
They say that there’s a god well where’s he now?
It sure feels quiet when his voice should be loud
And if we’re alone here then it’s up to us, 
somehow we still seem to fuck it up
We’re made of our choices & actions & words, 
but still seem to use that to cause others hurt
Over and over and over and over again

[REPEAT CHORUS]

BRIDGE 
Why keep on trying when it feels over
Why keep on fighting if we’re alone here
When will it be worth it, when will it make sense
All I know is that I’m waiting for the end.

[REPEAT CHORUS] x2   


Marks on the Ceiling

VERSE 1             
It’s loudest when it’s quiet and most chaotic when it’s calm
My mind can never settle, it’s a never ending storm
I let it all consume me and stare blankly at the wall
I just wish I could have some quiet or maybe shelter from it all

CHORUS
Where are the thoughts, where are the feelings
Just laying in bed eyes locked on the ceiling
Everything’s numb, but somehow everything hurts
I try to run from my mind, but it just gets worse
The exit is locked, the escape tunnel’s closed
I’m crawling out of my skin underneath my clothes
I just want my thoughts to resemble my feelings
I wish I could find some meaning in the marks on the ceiling
I just want to know that my mind is mine

VERSE 2                
The thoughts aren’t ever friendly, no they’re never on my side
They say the only cure is to ignore it and I’m trying
But how can I stop ruminating when it’s sometimes all I have
I just want my mind back, I’d settle for getting half

[REPEAT CHORUS]

VERSE 3
The meds are sometimes helpful, but sometimes not enough
To keep the voice inside me quiet, I just want to shut it up
But it spirals and circles and tries to break me, 
but I won’t let these dark thoughts take me, I just want my mind to be mine
I just want my mind to be mine, I just want my mind to be mine


My Newest Illusion

CHORUS
For my next trick I’ll show you how to separate your body from your mind
I’m not quite sure the secret, but no one’s trick is better than mine
You see my mind can say to scream or my mind can beg to run,
But my body still can choose to sit comatose for fun
It’s not a game I’m winning, I just hope I never lose
Because this magic trick can sometimes feel more like a noose

I hear the audience applaud as I show off my newest illusion
I can look them in the eyes and make it seem like I’m still feeling human
In reality I’m just a broken shell of a person, 
waiting for the audience to know I don’t deserve them
Put on my brightest smile and look out from behind sunken eyes 
I wish I knew a different trick, I wish I had a better act than disguise.

So I lay my cards out and I hope that you pick the right one
Because when I pour my heart out, they sometimes just pick up and run
So I scream my throat dry and my lungs empty all that they have
But I’m pulling the wrong card and ending up where I began

[REPEAT CHORUS]
Don’t look behind the curtain, it’ll give away my secrets too soon
You’ll see through my mask to the elephant inside of my room
That I’m just a broken person and I’m trying to get through this life
It’s all too overwhelming, so I do tricks so you can’t see me
And let the illusion survive